I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
