the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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