Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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