I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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