People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
