I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
