I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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