I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just invented taco cereal.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have fence marks all over my body
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
