Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
