when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
