My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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