Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry about my life...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
