You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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