Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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