I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
