Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
