Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
