you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
