I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
