There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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