he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
