I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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