Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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