he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
