Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
