Just cropdusted the office
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize