i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
