you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
