your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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