im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I've blown a few things in my day
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
