hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
