Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
worst night to have a conscience
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Randomize
