And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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