For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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