Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
