if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
