i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
