I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
