Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
