I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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