So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
