Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Best friends brother. Beat that.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
