Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
