Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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