the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
