Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
