the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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