Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
false alarm. still invincible.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
