this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
