He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
