I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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